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Monday was freaky storm day. Great globules of copious water collaborated with knock-you-over ferocious gusts of wind to generally re-arrange people and things in the capital.

walking along, I was blown sideways then bombed in the face by two large water-filled bobbles from a plane tree arriving at considerable speed and force.

On my way to band practice in Bethnal Green on monday night I started to notice mangled umbrellas of all colours and creeds sticking out of every bin and skip, or forlornly lying bent and abandoned wherever they had ceased to be of use. 

On tuesday in Shepherds Bush and Fulham the wreckage from the day before was everywhere I looked.

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Think of this: each miserable carcass equals at least one completely drenched, blown and battered Londoner. How many people must have shared this experience? If you got completely soaked on monday, lost your umbrella in battle, leaving it for dead in the street or bitterly thrusting it into a bin, rainwater pouring from your sleeves, know this – you’re not alone.

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Bethnal Green Road

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Goldhawk Road

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Askew Road

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Fulham Palace Road

There are some poor bastards that have had a fate worse than skip lobing. They’ve had their molecules realigned by the continuous traffic of major arteries such as Holland Park Avenue and Fulham Palace Road and are flattened out of all recognition. Behold – umbrella road kill.

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Ugh the horror.

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This is my manifesto. Most of it I realised in the years receding from adolescence, when I was a sorry self-conscious heap of nerves and pretention. Oh puberty, how happier I continue to be, the further away I am from you.

·         Don’t pretend you’ve heard of something if you haven’t.

·         Don’t pretend you know something if you don’t.

·         Don’t act like you’ve heard what someone’s said if you haven’t.

·         Don’t try hard to be interesting, you’ll be boring.

·         Only laugh if you think something’s funny.

·         Throw your head back and laugh long and loud.

·         Smile at people and assume a person is lovely until proven otherwise.

·        Pick other people’s bikes up that have fallen over.

·         Don’t speak to children any different from how you speak to adults.

·         Don’t ever feel that anyone owes anything to you, its an illusion.

·         Don’t love anyone to the exclusion of friends

·         Don’t love anyone to the exclusion of yourself

·         Live for only friends and music, the rest is all bollocks.